I have a lot of respect for Marilyn Monroe. I know she was dramatic, seemed dumb and aloof and was tragic, from start to end. But, if you look at some of the things she said...if you really think them through...you start to see that she wasn't as dumb as everyone thought she was. She was 80% idealist dreamer and 20% lost soul.
Admittedly my life has taken a change, a damn right drastic one, in the last year. A year ago I was married to a soldier that I had spent 10 years loving and putting before myself; one I thought I'd be married to until the end...he was my soul mate after all, right?
I was a strong, capable Army Wife, and damn good at that job. I worked for an army unit in Washington and was a valued member of an incredible command team. I had a good income, what looked on the outside like a good marriage and if you put that all together, what seemed like a great life. I had plans. I had direction. I had it all...or did I?
Obviously, that wasn't reality. That was the story I told myself at bedtime every night to make sleep come. Maybe if I wish it enough tonight I'll wake up and it will be true tomorrow. Happens in the movies right?
When it all came crashing down around me I would hide in books. I'd lose myself to stories, other people's troubles and triumphs and didn't want to come out. I happened upon a book of quotes, some of which were from Marilyn Monroe. There were a few that really stuck with me then and a few that stick with me now. Isn't it amazing how a song, or something someone said a long time ago can seem like it was put there just for the situation you're currently in or dealing with?
The first that got to me was this:
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
Of course, the first time I read this I thought it was absolute bullshit. I was in the denial stage. The "I want my life back, damn it, this isn't my plan" stage. But as time went on, that started to become more and more helpful to me. It gave me hope, reminded me to believe that there are reasons for what happens to us.
The next to really kick me in the jaw:
“As of today, I have absolutely no regrets. I think I am a mature person who can take things in stride. I’m grateful for people in my past. They helped me to get to where I am, wherever that is. But now, I am thinking for myself.”
I walked away (was pushed at first, yes) from the life I thought I'd built to have forever and had to start new. New home, new (again) town, new job...know what else was new? I was only responsible for me. I was responsible for Kim, but the funny thing was I had no clue who the hell she was. She was an army wife! Not any more. A devoted spouse! Nope, "separated" and then "divorced". She was a capable Family Readiness Support Assistant for the best damn Stryker Brigade in the world! Nope, gave that up when I left too. So who the hell is this broken down woman, in a job she knows nothing about, a town she's been away from for 10 years, and feeling more alone then ever? I can sure tell you who she is now.
She's smart, sassy and funny. She takes care of herself now, which she hadn't done in years. She laughs, cries and loves watching old movies. She still likes those boy bands, and she's not ashamed. She loves her family, more than life itself. (They love her too!) She's a lot of things...but she sure as hell isn't alone.
I can tell you one more thing I've learned. I've learned that there is a major difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you." I love a lot of people. I've loved a lot of people and I will love more in the future; I'm sure of it. But I've been in love with very few.
I can look back now and see that nothing I've been through was a mistake. I don't regret being in love with my husband. I don't regret anything I did; nothing was that bad. Like Marilyn said, “… I’m grateful for people in my past. They helped me to get to where I am, wherever that is. But now, I am thinking for myself.”
As for the future...love...in love...what's to come; who knows…I think I have an idea but I’m sure as hell not going to try to make a plan. That didn’t work out so well last time. I find hope in the fact that countless people have love, lost, and loved harder and longer the next time. There's absolutely no reason that can't happen for me. I know I deserve it. I've learned that, for sure.
pə
